Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
