I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
