had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
