my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
