In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Green mimosas i think yes
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
