So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
