the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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