i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
