oh fat girl friday strikes again...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
