I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
