i think i have herpe
just one?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
