Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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