Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
