i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Randomize
