This is not my ceiling
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
as a side note pls kill me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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