You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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