From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
