i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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