So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
