Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
