im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
