You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
