Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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