I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
