I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
