Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
