I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Randomize
