Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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