the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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