You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I am naked and annoyed.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize