JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
