He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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