I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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