new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
