i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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