My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
