My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
