shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
