ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
