i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
