my phone needs a breathalizer
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
