im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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