im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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