i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
