the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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