I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
