What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
