highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize