True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize