Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
