i was born a porn star she said
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
