I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
