filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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