oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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