Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
