Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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