hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
