My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
