I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
